Part I: My Amoeba and Me...
It is said that lightning never strikes twice in the same place, this however, is not the case when it comes to parasitic infections of the bowels. Dharamsala is many things to many people, but for me it is now synonymous with gastrointestinal trauma. Three years ago it was giardia, this time my bowels have been ransacked by a different micro-organism, an amoeba! Variety is the spice of life, right. But this is no ordinary amoeba, this one is special. In the flurry of research I have done following this most unfortunate diagnosis, I have discovered a great deal. For starters, one tenth of humanity is infected with some form of amoeba, but more than 90% of these are commensal; the infection is absolutely harmless. The one I have, which infects around one in every 140 human beings, is a special one. It is quite harmful, fatal even! Just my luck...The single-celled protozoan jackass currently swimming around my lower intestine is Entamoeba histolytica. An infection by E.histolytica is called Amoebiasis. Amoebiasis can be asymptomatic and last for years before finally sucker punching the host in the colon (or the liver). In my case I was lucky though; again, the very best way for the very worst to happen in this precious human life of mine. If my life were a novel, the very best way for the very worst to happen would be a major motif. My symptoms manifested almost immediately as Amoebic dysentery. I would define Amoebic dysentery as such: the continual, rapid and violent explosion of one's butt. At first, second, and third glance, this might sound awful. And, indeed it is, but it's a hell of a lot better than Amoebic liver abscess, Amoebiasis cutis, Amoebic brain abscess, or dying (I'm not trying to be dramatic or fish for sympathy, 70,000 people die every year from amoebiasis). Also, given how quickly my symptoms appeared, it is unlikely I was a carrier for very long. So I'm pretty sure I didn't unknowingly give the gift of amoebiasis to anybody else.
Biology 101: amoebas are not bacteria, so antibiotics are entirely useless for dealing with amoebic infections. So how then does one get rid of an amoeba, you might ask. One word: Amoebicide, literally meaning amoeba killer. My colon is going to the last colon these amoeba ever fuck with! Just from the name alone, you know these drugs mean business. Amoebicide sounds like the name of something the Japanese tested on POWs during the Second World War, and in my humble opinion, the name inspires a lot more confidence than antibiotic does. Anti-amoebic leaves wiggle room, but amoebicide doesn't pull any punches; unfolding inside me is the wholesale destruction of every last protozoan, an amoebicide indeed. The Jains would not be happy. Jains believe that in addition to divine beings, humans, and animals, even plants and micro-organisms (and in some cases, matter itself) are considered to have souls. I am making some pretty sweeping generalizations about Jainism, so investigate for yourself before quoting me on any of this. I'm not actually sure if Buddhists consider single-celled organisms, such as amoeba and bacteria, to be sentient beings; I've heard conflicting explanations. Technically, they are not, because sentience means consciousness, the ability to think, and the capacity for subjective feeling and perception. Sure micro-organisms are alive, but I'm not about to argue that bacteria are aware. Simply living does not equate to sentience, and certainly not sapience, I've known a number of people who don't really seem to think or feel anything, Rick Perry for example.
Here is the Sparknotes version: I have an amoeba, I'm taking some medicine for it, I will be fine. Please excuse the preceding technical diatribe. It's a lot longer and a lot more boring than I thought it would be, so I apologize for that. It's kind of like the preface to a book, no one wants or bothers to read it.
To be continued...
-Doug B.
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